The century had turned, but Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov did not think Russia was ascending – rather, Tsardom was suffocating the interests of the masses.
Ulyanov explained it all to a girl at the university bar. She took him home and pretended to listen to him, then interrupted him by unbuckling his thin pants.
In the morning, as Ulyanov ate a bowl of evenly-sized cornflakes, which worked communally to generate a full meal, he noticed a book on the breakfast table – The Communist Manifesto.
Renowned physicist Michael Faraday knew a lot: he knew about the Coriolis Effect, about the golden ratio, the theory of pre-relativity, how many planets could orbit the sun without colliding, why water boils.
But Faraday couldn’t look after himself, and was perpetually burned and scalded and melted. Faraday invented the toaster, and promptly dropped his keys down it. He reached in to grab them – AND STOLE HIS BAND BACK INSTANTANEOUSLY! His fingertips were blistered. Faraday needed those keys, though, and so he stuck his reddened hand inside a loaf of bread to use as a glove.
When he had retrieved the keys, Faraday’s bread was left stuck inside the toaster. It popped up to remind him, and, ever the inquisitive scientist, he ate it.
This is why we have toast.
Drifting back southbound from their painful incursion into the north, the Confederate Army of the United States would rape, pillage and eat their way through hapless towns. But the dogged soldiers were still pursued by their adversaries, and the Confederates, if they were to return to Fort Sumter and uphold the divine privilege of slavery, had to be able to eat on the run.
Hence the foundation of McDonald’s drive-thru breakfast service, which opens very early.